Weekly Halloween: Vampires at the Park

 

I've mentioned the Satanic Panic that was running rampant during my childhood before... and that's why I can't hear this song without strongly thinking about it. Add in the particular dramatic nature of teenagers and you've got probably one of the most ridiculous things one could be afraid of. Everyone is accustomed to the goth kids in high school, but they're a little bit of an oddity still when you're only in elementary. Headbangers? Oh yeah, you knew about those. Punks and Goths? That took a little growing to understand more. So there I was in the era of Satan around every corner and everything being a satanic message. For the record, I also had a teen-aged brother and his friends filling me about things. 

I knew about the cult that sacrificed people in the woods behind school (that one may have been real), and how Dio stood for Devil Inside Out (no really). Those kids in all black at the park? They were vampires. They worshiped the devil and drank blood. The guy who worked at the Circle K who was really into Ozzy Osbourne also worshiped the devil and drank blood, however wasn't a vampire. Just really evil. So here I was, a kid (those aren't easily scared, are they?) being told the honest truth about all these horrors going on all around me. 

Then the Lost Boys came out and that teen-aged brother and his friends? They might have been into the new hot movie for teenagers that just came out. With a popular song and music video! Lou Gramm may look fancy with his poofy man perm, but that's pure terror in that music video. Scenes of that movie with vampires that look like those kids at the park. Lou Gramm and ... whoever that kid is... stuck on the trailer from King of the Road with a bunch of ... are they vampires?

My point is that it terrified me for a few weeks there. I'd like to say it left me traumatized... but I was a kid and moved onto other things that was apparently also satanic. Before I went through my own all black clothing phase, I was also apparently satanic. This though was because I was a weird kid and liked scary stuff. Why the hell do I look back fondly on my childhood again?

Riders on the Styx

 

Dragonriders of the Styx was a fantasy line from the early 80's that's mostly forgotten about now. Probably thanks to being sued out of existence by TSR due to it's obvious unlicensed inspiration from Dungeons and Dragons. Made by Dimensions for Children, which is a pretty bad name for a toy company. I mainly remember getting the toys from discount and drug stores, but the larger sets could be found at regular retail. Initially the line started off with 'army man' style figures with themed play sets. Later it expanded into 3 3'4 action figures with various creatures and vehicles. 

My brother and I the entire standard carded figure assortment and some of those 'army man' play sets. Satanic Panic was a thing at the time, and like He-Man, I can understand it a little here. Toys like Duelin' Devils and Demons of Castleon might raise a suspicious eye or two. Lot's of these fantasy toys at the time had some really awesome horror art on the packaging that probably skirted the line for the intended audience. I can definitely appreciate it now though and not be cynical at all when people ask what's wrong with me. 

Earlier I mentioned mainly getting the toys from discount and drug stores. That's probably likely to getting sued out of existence by TSR. The realities of toy liquidation never crossed my mind when I was 6. The 'army men' style figures got bootlegged heavily, I was finding them up to the early 90's. I strongly remember getting the Wizard shown above on Halloween night. Mom was taking us home after a great night of trick or treating. We went to neighborhoods with my cousin, ate McDonald's, then trick or treated at the mall! I was Spider-Man. It was awesome.

Not As Brightly Lit: Residential Evil

Every neighborhood has a haunted house, but what if a Satanic guy also lived there? This week, Rob revisits the neighborhood that Suicide Hill was located in and talks about it's other place of horror. The haunted house that a Satanic guy lived in.

The Car's Carbon Footprint Is Murder

Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman. These are names likely to come to mind when thinking about Universal Monsters. There's one forgotten monster from the studio that just... look, can we forgo the clever introduction? I just wanted to talk about The Car. The Car is a movie about an evil car that just murders anybody for no reason given aside from it's possibly demonically possessed. Maybe.

Jerry Van Dyke joins a cult

I'll be honest, I've never seen or heard of this show before I found their Halloween episode. From what I gather, it was a sitcom from the late 60's that got canceled after one season. Probably because it's terrible, as most sitcoms about single parent roommates are. The show was based on an entertainer named Sandy raising his son with his manager, who was raising her daughter together at a farm. In this Halloween episode, Sandy's son want's to join a neighborhood club called the... junior gargoyles... whose leader looks like Anton LaVey... and dresses like the devil... So, Sandy's son wants to join the local satanic cult.

However joining the local satanic cult isn't easy, first you have to host a Halloween party. Fortunately Sandy works in showbiz in the 60's, so he was used to appeasing cults. So Sandy and Sue (the aforementioned manager) throw the kids a Halloween party that's just the worse. Not to mention Sandy ruins their trick or treating... or as they used to call it for no apparent reason on Halloween specials, tricks or treats. Basically, Sandy is a piece of garbage and you'll want to kick his ass before long. Thankfully Sue saves the party and Halloween and the cult accepts their new member!

I... don't think it's cursed...

Season of the Subliminal

I've spoken at lengths about my love for Halloween 3, I think that was the bulk of the Halloween 2017 season here on the site. If you look past the weirdness of being a Halloween without Michael Myers, you'll see that it's basically Halloween TV Special the movie. It basks in the theme of Halloween so much that local TV stations used to use clips of it to advertise their own Halloween programing. It's wonderful... and a little stupid.

So of course I like commercials and trailers. It's a big part of this site, well, watching the original theatrical trailer the other day... I heard something I hadn't noticed before. Mind you, I've seen this same clip a million times, so finding something new (to me) is kinda amazing. I was putting together my Lunchables Uploaded sandwich and heard something faint. What was that? I restarted the video and turned up the volume... There's clearly a voice whispering the name of the movie throughout the trailer.

In my childhood when satanic panic was gripping the suburbs and parents were running their kids records backwards to see if Iron Maiden had subliminal message. Horror movies was another alleged gateway to satanism according to the pamphlets. Here it is all these years later and I finally find a subliminal message. And that message it watch the dang movie currently being advertised.

That damn witch scary as hell

This commercial looks like it's from the dark web. I'd recommend the game for a good Halloween activity, but ... I'm genuinely unnerved by this commercial. You saw that right? It opened with what appears to be a cursed video sure to bring whomever watched it pain and suffering and I'm pretty sure those kids are in a red room somewhere. I've talked about Satanic Panic when I was a child before, but... they might have had a point with this one... You sure the game isn't in a dybbuk box? That box looks like a dybbuk box. It's a dybbuk box.

Lost in the Shadows

The Lost Boys came out when I was in elementary school and was serious business. The terrifying nature of teenagers to a dorky kid was scary enough despite being vampires. Did I mention satanic panic was rampant in our area? I'm not sure if you realize it, but Satan was behind every corner in the 80's somehow. Even at the Circle K. I saw him there once.

I'm not joking, this is serious business. There are satanists sacrificing kids (like me) in the woods and those kids in black coats on the bus are vampires. My brother totally seen them kill somebody, he told me. OMG what am I going to do? Now I've got to deal with vampires? Crap. Why are there vampires? Don't even get me started on the haunted house down the street. I saw that guy who lives the other day and he's been watching me. I heard he was satanic, what if he's the lead vampire?

I am so screwed.

Mark of the Battle Beast

of course he's fire

As winter turns into spring, of course my mind instantly goes to Halloween, which is two seasons away and I've admitted to my ridiculousness several times already. Being a child in the 80's in the south, Halloween has always has a certain flavor in it that really manages to stick around all year. It was in heavy metal, haunted attractions, certain fantasy and sci fi, wrestling, there's just that old school Halloween that's always around. Which brings me to a regular point of interest, the cousins of Transformers known as Battle Beasts. As you may know, Battle Beasts were sold in a variety of ways and one faithful Friday in the 5th grade I lucked up on a large multi pack of the fighting critters at Kay Bee Toys.

I said I was from the south and was a child in the 80's right? 

At the time, satanic paranoia was running rampant in my school as church groups were often infiltrated with the crazy scare videos and pamphlets that were everywhere at the time (they're all over YouTube). Thanks to having a teen-aged brother and living in the suburbs, I was constantly surrounded by heavy metal and all the assorted imagery that came with it. Which is where Fleet Footed Antelope comes in. You see, he was in that multi pack I got that faithful evening and among opening was presented with pure unadulterated evil.

There he was, horned and hooves, looking like every representation of the devil I was presented in those scare pamphlets. Tiny evil rubber bastard. I was petrified, I was terrified, I was horrified.

The Fleet Footed Antichrist was there and I had no idea how to deal with such a demonic presence (really, those scare videos and pamphlets left that part out). Maybe if I had the power of water. Water beats fire. But no, I'm in Georgia and surrounded by wood. Fire beats wood. I was screwed. So, I ultimately decided on doing the best thing in this situation. I locked him away where he could never get out, never to hurt anyone. Never to trick you into going to hell by playing Dungeons and Dragons. For all time and for all the good in the world, Fleet Footed Antelope had to be imprisoned.

So I put him in a Tupperware container that had my old crayons that I didn't use anymore and stuck him in the bottom drawer of my bedroom desk. There, no matter what, he could never be found. Until like a month later when I forgot I was afraid of him and found him while looking for that Mad magazine I stuck somewhere in my desk. 

Fleet Footed Asshole still smells like crayons.