Friday, April 3, 2020

What The WWF

These day's I'm mainly an AEW fan, but back in the day I would switch the channel between WWF and WCW basking in the glory of both companies. The wrestling video games during that time were pretty great as well. I vastly preferred WWF Superstars and WWF WrestleFest in the arcades, but they were long gone by the time WWF Wrestlemania hit my local arcades in 1995. When the home console versions came out, my Genesis found itself occupied with the likes of Lex Luger and The Undertaker. It was a good time. Something I was able to do at home that I couldn't at the arcade was beat the game... and that's what we're here for today. Brace yourselves.

Starting off with a long time favorite of mine, The Undertaker is an enigma of a character. Sometimes he's an old west style undertaker, sometimes he's an evil priest, and sometimes he's a biker. In this game, apparently he takes the souls of all the other wrestler's he's beaten. To think, all this time it was Vince we blamed! While dark, The Undertaker's ending is the most normal in the entire game. It's completely in line with his character. The others...

Razor Ramon, based off Scarface, was a gangster portrayed by Scott Hall. While the fate of a drug dealer probably doesn't ring any happy ending bells, Razor's ending... . Razor wins the championship and returns to Cuba a hero! He then becomes a motivational speaker... only to be beaten nearly to death for the belt. Razor Ramon ends up a ghost of a man running a pawn shop in Chile. I hope his fingers healed up enough to throw his toothpick at customers with declined credit cards. Dang.

Shawn Michaels, The Heart Break Kid. Fan favorite and scourge of Bret Hart's pink tights ending is pretty predictable initially. He dances around. That's what he did when he wasn't screwing over the entire locker room backstage. Though this time all his dancing around drove every single woman in the crowd crazy and they rushed the stage and mauled him. Somehow he survived and went into politics.

Yokozuma, famed sumo and bad guy of the New Era. Such a force to be reckoned with, the big bad monster gets the championship and ruins the economy. No really. His winning of the WWF belt causes America to completely collapse. I uh... dang.

Just as Lex Luger beat Yokozuna before, he defeats him again at Wrestlemania! Lex's win brings America back to it's feet and touring in the Lex Express actually saves America. I don't know if the two profiles are meant to coincide, but they sure seem to. Lex Luger's ending isn't too bad, like The Undertaker it's pretty on character and a happy ending. Real life and Lex though... 

If you ask anybody about Bret The Hitman Hart, you'll hear tales of him being the greatest wrestler ever! Just ask Bret, he'll tell you! Bret's ending has him going on to becoming a huge star in Hollywood. Not a bad ending, much better than his actual career ending by way of Goldberg's foot. Honestly this one isn't too messed up. Doink however...

Doink played off Pennywise and was an evil clown wrestler. Despite how silly an idea this was, this was pretty genius idea of a character. If HBK gets hurt, he's off TV for awhile. If Doink gets hurt... another guy play's Doink. Doink wins the championship and celebrates by beating his unconscious opponents with a hammer to the applause of the crowd. Who's the real bad guy here? Not finished, Doink's circus buddies come to celebrate with him leading to an elephant stampede killing much of those in attendance. The survivors though, they loved it.

Bam Bam Bigelow was known for being a big brute who moved fast with his flame tattoos and tights. Bam Bam wins the belt apparently by burning his opponent to death. Then burns down the arena, murdering the entire crowd. Not just the crowd, everybody there. The other wrestlers, the ring crew, the hot dog guy... just... Bam Bam goes and dam dam kills everybody because he won. I...uh...

This clearly isn't what's portrayed on those fabulous ice cream sandwiches.

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