Friday on the 13th is some spooky shit

Friday the 13th is like having a mini Halloween randomly during the year. Though when a F13th is during the Halloween season it's extra special! There's all that great spooky stuff on the shelves and those dollar hockey masks everywhere! So when you get some great scary edition snacks sure to make your next bowel movement extra colorful and sit down to watch that horror marathon. Make sure to find whatever channels playing Friday the 13th instead of Wishmaster because seriously FX ... not cool. The hell even.

There's universal rules. You don't spit in the wind, you don't put metal in the microwave, and it's always Friday the 13th part 5 on tv. The listing said part 7 is on now, but it's going to be part 5. It's always part 5. The entire marathon is just part 5. You know, the one with the fake Jason... Roy. Part 5. Now that's not a complete negative, Roy's mask had cool blue stripes and he kills a guy while he's on a porta potty. Part 5.

After Reggie visits his brother Demon, Demon realizes he must visit the euphemism. Like Euchariah, he's on fiya. After an Oscar worthy recreation of your mom after Thanksgiving dinner... I can't even... like his girlfriend and him start singing and... just watch. Yes, that's Juwanna Mann.

The movie is not all about dying whilst pooping, it's also about... so yeah dying on a toilet. Part 5. Oh yeah, it has this awesome song in it! Somebody dies while it plays. Kinda what happens in these movies. Whole lot of murder.

Seen and not Hurt

Nothing say's it's Halloween like local businesses giving out treat bags and reflective safety strips/stickers. Of course they never give out bags with the safety reflective crap printed on them, you get one or the other. Something to carry around all those Tootsie Rolls you're going to throw away in or a magic sticker that somehow will keep crazy Mr. Harmon from running you over in his beat up La Baron. In the early 70's McDonald's gave out cuffs, not strips/stickers for this very purpose. Called the Safety Cuffs, Ronald let your parents know you'll be safe as long as your rocking these stupid looking things. Did you catch the little bit Ronald said at the end of the commercial? I've seen this commercial for years thanks to my ridiculous habit of watching old Halloween commercials all year and just recently realized he said 'children should be seen and not hurt'. It's even printed on the cuffs.

For the longest I thought he said 'seen and not heard', which just made no sense. I mean, if you can't see them trick or treating, I hope you can hear their screams before you commit vehicular manslaughter Mr. Harmon. Anyone else find it fishy so many adults are just driving around carelessly on the one night they know children will be out and in the streets. Oh sure, tonight's the night the headlights just don't work, right. It's cause of this bullshit that Dracula had to wear that crap.

Probably shouldn't trust Ronald entirely too much either.

Ronald's the scariest thing in this Haunted House

Honestly, I don't think I've ever just walked into a haunted house. Every one of these type commercials, the gang just happens to walk inside a haunted house. Though admittedly, Ronald seems to lead the way this time. You know, the ghosts are really the victims here. What in the hell was Ronald even doing? Just outright barging in and looking around... wait... they were going to rob the place weren't they? DAMMIT RONALD, STOP STEALING FROM GHOSTS!

Big red shoes

Summer is a spooky season.

Burger King is pretty much the best

They know number 1 means the combo and the ice cream machine is never down.