Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Robocop Hates Bugs

For the past few years the wife and I have been wanting to move only to stay where we're at. This year we've been putting a considerable amount of work into actually moving. While we've seemingly found a place (unless some 11th hour bad luck causes plans to fall through), man we've been through the ringer looking all over. There's all sorts of things you don't consider until you actually need to consider them. Which leads to a rather sitcom like confession of mine, like you, my waking thoughts often pop up in my dreams. Unlike you, I'm possibly (probably) insane.

I'm almost 42... I'm just like this ok?

So one apartment neighborhood in a pretty swanky area really had us sold, we discovered it and it's neighboring communities had bug problems. Bed bugs, roaches, scorpions, silver fish, you name it. That's freaking gross! I have no clue why that town's so fancy pants when they got bugs in their cereal, but no way man. No freaking way. Moving alone is a stressful situation, but looking for a place to move isn't a cakewalk either.

So there I was, seemingly have found the perfect place. A condo large enough to fit our needs and in a pretty good area. We were settling into our new home on or first night there. Then there they were... roaches. Pouring out of the air vents, the plumbing, getting into my kool-aid. Just awful. I don't know about you, but I like to take care of business. No messing around, if theirs business to be taken care of... TCB mother fucker.

So I pulled out a tommy gun from the Dick Tracy coat I was wearing (to bed) and just started shooting every roach in sight. Just firing like mad, and yelling. Because when you shoot a machine gun for more than a second you have to yell while doing it. Bullets piled on the floor, roaches fell dead. This was my house and I had to defend it.

Ever wake up running to the bathroom wondering why 50 gallons of pee comes from a 12 ounce can of Coke? It was 3/4ths of the way through that when I realized I was awake and not shooting roaches. Oh by the way... ever seen that Japanese bug spray commercial staring Robocop?

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